Boundaries and Saying No
Students learn to use assertive language in boundary situations and hold their position under mild pushback, use a refusal toolkit (say no, give reason, suggest alternative, walk away) when facing peer pressure, distinguish between uncomfortable peer pressure and pressure that crosses a safety line, describe the difference between a fun surprise and an unsafe secret, and practice telling a trusted adult about a boundary violation using a specific script.
Setting Your Boundary and Using Your Toolkit
Set the scene (say to the class before modeling begins): “This week we’re building your safety moves — the things you say and do when someone pushes you to do something you don’t want to do. Today’s first two skills work together: saying your boundary clearly and holding it when someone pushes back, and using more than one move when one no isn’t enough. I’m going to show you what that looks like.”
Display the Process Steps Poster — Refusal Toolkit: 4 Steps — before you begin. Students will reference it throughout Segment 1 and return to it during the We Do.
Key language — the through-line for this segment:
📝 Say these definitions out loud and keep them visible on the board or chart throughout the segment.
- Boundary: A clear statement about what you will and won’t do, or what you need. (“I’m not sharing my work.” “I don’t want to play that game.” “Don’t do that — I don’t like it.”)
- Assertive: Saying what you need in a clear, calm way — not aggressive, not apologetic, not quiet when you should speak up.
- Refusal toolkit: A set of four moves for when peer pressure doesn’t stop at the first no. (Point to the Steps Poster.) Step 1: Say no clearly. Step 2: Give a reason. Step 3: Suggest an alternative. Step 4: Walk away if needed.
- Hold your boundary: Keep your answer the same after someone pushes back. Your boundary doesn’t change just because someone asks twice.
Purpose: Show what it looks and sounds like to say a boundary once and restate it — calmly, without caving — when someone pushes back.
Sofia and her friend were choosing partners for a classroom activity. Sofia’s friend pulled her aside and said, “Don’t pick Mia — pick me and let’s leave her out.” Sofia said, “No — I’m not going to leave Mia out.” Her friend said, “But you’re supposed to be my best friend. Why are you taking her side?” Sofia took a breath and said, “I hear that you’re upset. I’m still not going to leave her out. That’s not something I’m going to do.”
- Sofia said her boundary once, clearly: “No — I’m not going to leave Mia out.”
- After the pushback, she acknowledged what she heard: “I hear that you’re upset.”
- Then she restated her boundary without changing it: “I’m still not going to leave her out.”
- She didn’t apologize. She didn’t explain more. She held the boundary.
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Emma — personal space boundary: At recess, a classmate kept bumping into Emma even after she said “stop — I don’t like that.” The classmate said, “It’s not a big deal — I was just playing.” Emma said, “Maybe to you. I already asked you to stop and I mean it.”
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Make it visible: The classmate called it “not a big deal.” Emma didn’t argue about whether it was a big deal. She restated her boundary anyway.
Purpose: Show what caving looks like — so students recognize it — and what holding looks like, side by side.
Marcus was at the classroom computer. It was his turn. His classmate Dion said, “Let me go first — it’ll only take a minute.” Marcus said, “No, it’s my turn.” Dion said, “You can go after me — please? I really need to look something up.”
Wrong version: Marcus looked down and said, “…okay, fine.” He gave up his turn.
Right version: Marcus said, “I already said no. It’s my turn — you can go after me.”
- In the wrong version, the second ask worked. Marcus caved. He didn’t want to, but the social pressure was stronger than his boundary.
- In the right version, Marcus heard the pressure and repeated his answer — slightly different words, same boundary.
- The skill isn’t about being stubborn. It’s about knowing the difference between genuinely changing your mind and caving because someone asked twice.
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Leo — caving on a guilt trip: Leo said he didn’t want to share his lunch snack. His friend said, “But I forgot mine and you’re my best friend.” Wrong version: Leo handed it over because he felt guilty. Right version: “I get that you’re hungry. I’m still keeping my snack today — let’s ask if the teacher has anything.”
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Make it visible: The guilt trip is a real type of second ask. The skill is the same: hear it, and stay with your boundary.
Purpose: Show the skill in a low-stakes, positive moment — not under peer pressure. The skill of saying what you actually want clearly is worth practicing even when nobody is pushing back hard.
During free choice time, the group was deciding what to do — most of them wanted to play a board game. Priya said, “I’m going to draw today, but I’ll join the board game another time.” Nobody made a big deal of it. The group went to get the game, and Priya got out her sketchbook.
- No one was pressuring Priya. She just said what she wanted, simply and directly.
- She didn’t apologize. She didn’t over-explain. She didn’t ask permission.
- This is the skill in its easiest form — and practicing it in easy moments makes it more available in harder ones.
Purpose: Show the full four-step toolkit used together in a scenario where one no isn’t enough.
At recess, some classmates were setting up a soccer game. One of them said to Owen, “Don’t let Jaylen play — he’s too slow and he’ll mess us up.” Owen looked at Jaylen, who was hovering nearby, clearly hoping to join.
Owen said, “No — Jaylen’s playing.” (Step 1: Say no clearly.)
His classmate said, “Seriously? You always do this.”
Owen said, “He’s new here — it’s not fair to say no.” (Step 2: Give a reason.)
“Fine, but then the teams are uneven.”
“Let’s just adjust the teams when we start — we can figure it out.” (Step 3: Suggest an alternative.)
His classmate kept pushing. Owen turned, waved Jaylen over, and said, “Come on, you’re with us.” (Step 4: Walk away — move to action.)
- Point to each step on the Process Steps Poster as you describe it.
- Owen didn’t use all four because they all “worked” — he used them in sequence because each one moved the situation forward.
- Step 4 doesn’t always mean physically walking away. Sometimes it means making a move that ends the argument by taking action.
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Emma — toolkit in a different context: Some classmates pressured Emma to tell them someone else’s secret. Step 1: “No — I’m not sharing that.” Step 2: “It’s not my information to give.” Step 3: “If you want to know, ask them directly.” Step 4: She turned back to her book and stayed quiet.
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Make it visible: All four steps, different context, same structure.
- Caving too fast: Make sure your wrong-version models show the actual pressure moment — not just a vague refusal. The wrong version needs to be believable so students recognize it in themselves.
- Sounding aggressive: If your assertive voice slips into sharp or harsh, students learn “assertive = mean.” Keep the tone in your models calm and direct throughout.
- Skipping the toolkit steps: In Model 4, name each step out loud as you model it, pointing to the poster. If you run through it without labeling, students won’t make the connection to the four-step structure.
Routine-setting (say to the class before Scenario 1): “Now we practice together. I’m going to give you a situation and your job is to give me the skill version — not just how you feel about it, but what your safety move actually is. Keep the frame in view and use it.”
Sentence frame — keep visible throughout:
Pacing note: Move through scenarios at one every 3–4 minutes. These are practice reps, not discussions. If students debate whether a specific response is “right,” redirect: “Both could work — let’s focus on whether it uses the skill.”
A classmate keeps asking you to let them have your seat at the lunch table, even though it’s where you always sit. You said, “No, this is my spot.” They said, “Come on — it’s just a seat. Switch with me.”
What’s your safety move? Use the frame to tell me.
- “My safety move is holding my boundary — ‘I already said no. This is my seat.'”
- “My safety move is restating — ‘I said no. I’d like to sit here.'”
- “My safety move is staying with my answer — ‘I’m not switching. You can find another spot.'”
“Let’s all say: ‘My safety move is holding my boundary.'” (One rep, together.)
Some students will want to add an explanation or apology — “Sorry, but it’s just that I always sit here and…” That softening is worth naming: “What happened when you added all that? Did your boundary sound as clear?” The cleaner the boundary, the better.
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– A classmate keeps asking to borrow your colored pencils after you already said you needed them yourself. They say, “You’re not even using them right now.” – A friend wants you to change your vote about what game to play. You already voted and the group decided. They say, “But I really don’t want to play that one.”
Your friend really wants you to share the last piece of your snack. You said no. They said, “But I forgot my snack today and I’m starving — and you’re supposed to be my friend.”
Here’s what often happens: the student feels guilty and gives it over. What’s missing? What would the skill version sound like?
- “My safety move is staying with my answer — ‘I hear that you’re hungry. I still want to keep my snack today. Let’s see if the teacher has anything.'”
- “My safety move is holding my boundary — ‘I said no. I’m sorry you forgot yours, but I’m keeping mine.'”
- “My safety move is a boundary with an alternative — ‘I’m not sharing mine, but let’s ask Mr. Davis if there’s something you can eat.'”
“Let’s all say: ‘My safety move is staying with my answer.'” (One rep.)
The guilt trip — “you’re supposed to be my friend” — is one of the most powerful second-ask moves students face. Acknowledge it directly: “That one is hard because you care about your friend. Caring about them and keeping your boundary are both true at the same time.”
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– A classmate says, “You have to let me copy — if you were really my friend you would.” You already said no. – A friend says, “I’ve done so many things for you — why won’t you do this one thing?” You already said no.
Some classmates at recess tell you that you have to play their game — “Everyone’s playing. You don’t have a choice.” You really don’t want to play.
Using the toolkit, what are your moves? Try to use at least two steps.
- “My safety move is: say no with a reason and suggest something else — ‘I’m not playing that game today. It gets too rough for me. I’m going over to the swings — anyone else want to come?'”
- “My safety move is: no, reason, and walk away — ‘No, I don’t want to play. It’s not really my thing. I’m going to find something else to do.'”
- “My safety move is the toolkit — step 1 no, step 2 reason: ‘I said I don’t want to. I don’t like how that game goes. I’m heading somewhere else.'”
“Let’s say: ‘My safety move is saying no, giving a reason, and making a move.'” (One rep.)
Some students will get stuck on Step 3 (suggest an alternative). Prompt: “The alternative doesn’t have to be for both of you — it can just be what you’re going to do instead.” The step is about showing you’re not just rejecting the person; you’re making your own choice.
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– Someone is pressuring you to tell them the answer on a worksheet. You don’t want to share. Use at least two toolkit steps. – A group wants you to do something at recess that you don’t think is a great idea. Use the toolkit to respond.
Your group is deciding what to do during free time. A few people want to do one thing. You’d actually like to do something else. Nobody is pressuring you — it’s just a group decision moment.
What’s your safety move here — even though there’s no real pressure?
- “My safety move is saying what I actually want — ‘I’d rather do [the other thing] — anyone else up for that?'”
- “My safety move is being clear — ‘I’m going to go do [this] — I’ll check back with you later.'”
- “My safety move is using my voice — ‘I vote for [this option].'”
“Let’s say: ‘My safety move is using my voice — even in easy moments.'” (One rep.)
Students sometimes think the safety move only matters when someone is pressuring them hard. Point out: “Practicing in easy moments is how you get better at using it in harder ones. If you can say what you want when it’s low-stakes, it gets easier when the pressure is real.”
Take 2–3 responses per scenario. Choose one strong response for choral practice. Don’t get caught in debating edge cases — if two responses both demonstrate the skill, name that: “Both of those use the skill well.” Move to the next scenario without extended discussion.
What to watch for:
- Student restates the boundary after one pushback — doesn’t change the answer just because someone asked twice (RS-BDR-3-1)
- Student uses at least two distinct toolkit steps in the same response (RS-BDR-3-2)
- Student’s boundary sounds assertive (clear and direct) rather than aggressive or passive
If students are struggling: If most students are only using one toolkit step, pause at Scenario 3 and point to the Process Steps Poster: “You’ve got Step 1 — say no. What’s Step 2? Can you add that to your response?” Do one more rep of Scenario 3 before moving on.
📝 Cross-scenario patterns you’ll see while circulating — with exact teacher language. These are not scenario redirects (those are in the scenario notes) — these are repeating patterns across the We Do.
Telling the Difference: Pressure Types and Unsafe Secrets
- What’s inside
- I do: 4 teacher modelsUncomfortable pressure: annoying but not unsafe · Unsafe pressure: when the response is different · Non-conflict: recognizing a fun surprise · Unsafe secret: when the secret is the warning
- We do: 4 guided scenariosWith sentence frames, pacing notes and what to watch for
- Coaching in the momentWhat to say when students get stuck
This section opens when Grade 3 launches.
Telling a Trusted Adult: Using a Specific Script
- What’s inside
- I do: 4 teacher modelsUsing the full specific script · Wrong version → right version: from vague to specific · Non-conflict: using the script in a lower-stakes moment · Telling a trusted adult when you were told not to
- We do: 3 guided scenariosWith sentence frames, pacing notes and what to watch for
- Coaching in the momentWhat to say when students get stuck
This section opens when Grade 3 launches.
Closing the Week
- What’s inside
- 3 partner-share roundsOne for each segment, with the frame students say together
- Round 1 — Boundary and toolkit
- Round 2 — Pressure type and secrets
- Round 3 — Telling a trusted adult
- Land the key idea
This section opens when Grade 3 launches.
Practice for every skill segment
Each lesson comes with independent practice — the “you do” — for each of its 3 skill segments, in print and digital.
Printable practice
Ready-to-copy practice pages for each segment.
- View and print in your browser
- Answer keys for quick checking
Digital activities
Share one link — students open it on any device, and you see their answers.
- Works on Chromebooks, tablets and phones
- Students just type their name to start
While you wait: from the SEL Resource Library
Relationship Skills resources for Grade 3, ready to use today.
